


Nothing I Ever Did Was Good Enough

by KatieWrites



Series: Nothing I Ever Did Was Good Enough [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck deserves better, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Psychological Hurt/Comfort, got this idea from the latest promo, i knew phillip buckley gave me a bad vibe by just saying 'you're going to therapy', it's confirmed, the buckley parents suck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:07:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28232163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieWrites/pseuds/KatieWrites
Summary: "Nothing I ever did was good enough"My take on that excerpt from the new promo. You know I love a good Buck whump...____Buck bit his tongue, looking away from his father. It was too early in their get together to have a blow out. He especially didn’t want to have that blowout in front of Chim and Albert. “You know, firefighting, until recently, has had a huge amount of off duty suicides due to improper care of mental health. The department has changed to help firefighters through hard times of losing patients or families in fires by hiring departmental psychologists and having service animals available for visits to the firehouses after really tough calls. If someone isn’t in the right mindset, we could lose more people, not to mention our own people and that person. Mental health is no joke,” Albert stated.Buck had to hide is smile, but he turned to Albert, giving him a knowing look and small smile. His parents spluttered for a few seconds before Phillip turned to Albert. “I don’t think I was talking to you. Mind your own business, this was a family matter.”“Don’t talk to him like that,” Buck nearly growled. “He is family.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley & the Buckley Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Nothing I Ever Did Was Good Enough [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2076351
Comments: 49
Kudos: 394





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No real summary, just read with caution.

“You go to therapy,” Phillip Buckley questioned. Since having arrived, Buck felt like he was being attacked by his parents. They _always_ did this. 

“Sometimes the job is stressful,” Buck sighed. “You have people’s lives on your hands and you can’t save everyone. Therapy helps to make sure you take care of you and don’t let yourself stew in the losses.”

A disinterested hum came from Margaret Buckley as she rolled her eyes. “Evan, you _chose_ to be a fireman. You should have known about the risks going in. You shouldn’t need some _mental help_. Honestly, I don’t know why you went back after you got crushed by your very own fire truck.”

It felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room. Buck felt cold and all he could do was stare at his parents. Did they seriously just minimize decades worth of firefighters killing themselves down to ‘you should have known the risks’? Did they seriously just try to tell him that all the hard work he put in after the truck crushed his leg was for nothing? “Excuse me for not wanting a pencil pushing job in your company. I’m sorry I wanted to do some good in the world, obviously that’s not good enough.”

“Don’t get an attitude, young man,” his father started, “just because your mother questions your profession doesn’t mean you get to be snippy with us. I’m starting to think Los Angeles has caused you to forget your manners.”

Buck bit his tongue, looking away from his father. It was too early in their get together to have a blow out. He especially didn’t want to have that blowout in front of Chim and Albert. “You know, firefighting, until recently, has had a huge amount of off duty suicides due to improper care of mental health. The department has changed to help firefighters through hard times of losing patients or families in fires by hiring departmental psychologists and having service animals available for visits to the firehouses after really tough calls. If someone isn’t in the right mindset, we could lose more people, not to mention our own people and that person. Mental health is no joke,” Albert stated.

Buck had to hide is smile, but he turned to Albert, giving him a knowing look and small smile. His parents spluttered for a few seconds before Phillip turned to Albert. “I don’t think I was talking to you. Mind your own business, this was a family matter.”

“Don’t talk to him like that,” Buck nearly growled. “He is family.”

“By proxy,” Margaret muttered.

“By proxy, by blood, it doesn’t matter. Albert is family and you don’t get to talk to him like that. He deserves an apology from you,” Buck pressed. He was now in Phillip Buckley’s space, towering over the man. 

His father rose to face him, “I’m not giving that pansy an apology. Back in my day, you didn’t need _mental help_ . This whole _Mental health_ bullshit wasn’t needed because we were real men. We dealt with our problems.”

“You didn’t need mental health help? You suffered like horses with a bum leg, waiting for someone to put you out of your misery. Some of you took that into your own hands! It wasn’t talked about but this generation is healthier! We talk our problems out and we seek help when we need it. _‘You were tough and real men’_ is fucking bullshit! You were cowards, afraid to talk about your feelings because you thought it made you less manly!”

The hand seemed to come out of nowhere. One second, Buck was towering over his father and the next he was sprawled on the floor behind him. “I’m getting tired of your mouth! Show your elders some respect!”

Buck worked his jaw that still stung from the punch his father had landed. “Respect is a two way street, Old Man. You never respected me so why should I respect you?”

“Dad,” Maddie shouted from her spot in the doorway. “What the hell happened?!”

Buck waved his sister off as she came towards him. “Just a disagreement, Mads.”

Maddie shook her head, “I could hear your yelling from the bathroom. All I asked is that you both be civil for one sitting,” she growled.

Feeling properly chastised, Buck shrunk away slightly. “Sorry Mads. I know, I’m sorry.” Buck let Chimney help him up and back into his seat. 

It was silent as Buck’s father sat down again. Buck didn’t dare start the conversation again. “I don’t know how they could let a cupcake like you into a firefighter’s job. You’re too soft,” Phillip finally called. 

Buck could feel his anger rising. “Honestly Evan, you weren’t built for a high stress job like firefighting,” his mother feigned concern. 

And Buck just couldn’t hold it in. He tried, really he did. “So _now firefighting is a high stress job_?! What, you’re going to drag me through the mud on going to therapy for the stresses of the job then tell me I’m not cut out for it because it is a high stress job?! Nearly everyone in the department goes to therapy at least once! The reason I’m so good at this job is because I fucking care. I care about every person we come across and I help them the best I can because I’m devoted to making sure they make it out alive! I’m not too soft, I’m just not an emotionally and mentally stunted Alpha Male who can’t open his mouth to speak up when he’s drowning in the stresses of the job!”

Buck was standing again, facing both his parents but not stepping towards them. “ **Nothing I ever did was good enough!** I tried and I tried but _nothing_ was ever good enough! I went to college, graduated and you weren’t even at the fucking graduation! You just asked me how I was going to apply my degree to a job. I spent six months in your company but I never got a ‘glad you’re here. Good job Evan’ from either of you! I fucking aced SEAL school and you just blew it off like it was _nothing!_ I become a damn good firefighter and you just throw all of my accomplishments down the drain and all the hard work I did out the window and tell me that I’m _too soft_ ?! Are you fucking _kidding me_ ?! Why is it that _NOTHING I ever do is good enough?!_ I get it, Maddie is the perfect golden child, but you can’t throw me a bone? You can’t just give me a ‘Good job, Evan. We’re proud of you, Evan’?”

Buck ran a hand through his hair, groaning in frustration. “Do you know what it’s like to have your parents just put you down every chance they get? _‘Evan, a B isn’t an A. A 99% isn’t 100%. JV isn’t Varsity, Evan. Evan, your sister is a nurse, fire science isn’t a respectable degree. Why didn’t Harvard accept you? You can’t just go to Penn State. Did you graduate with an actual degree, if not, we won’t be attending your graduation. Evan, these files needed to be stacked numerically, not alphabetically. You passed SEAL school, great, let me know when you kill someone so I can be disgusted even more. Firefighter? You really are a disgrace to the Buckley name.’_ All I’ve ever tried to do is get your approval and **nothing I ever did was good enough** . I’m tired of it! You don’t get to just-just continue walking all over me like I’m some kid! I have a respectable career and I’ve worked hard! If you can’t respect that, _get the fuck out of my life!_ ”

Buck was breathing hard by the end of his rant. It felt good to get that off his chest, but now reality was crashing down on him. He’d just aired everything to not only Maddie, but Chim and Albert. He not only just blew up at his parents _but Maddie’s too_ . He could walk out, turn his back on the apartment, but Maddie still had to deal with them. Buck could feel his hands start to shake as the silence continued. He couldn’t bear to look at Maddie, Chim, or Albert. Now they knew his insecurities- _all of them_. 

His phone blared to life in his pocket, the sound surprising all of the occupants of the room. Buck swallowed, hands fumbling for his phone. Seeing Eddie’s contact photo, Buck didn’t know what to do. If he didn’t answer, Eddie would probably call back and then be worried if Buck didn’t answer the second call. If he answered, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to keep a lid on his panic or emotions. 

Hand shaking, Buck slid his finger along the answer button. He was silent as he brought it up to his ear. “Buck? You there?”

Buck cleared his throat as he turned his back to the others in the room. “Yeah-yeah, I’m...I’m here. What’s up?” 

It was quiet for a few seconds, “are you alright?”

Buck could feel tears building in his eyes, but he refused to let them out with his parents in the same room as him. He would not be seen any weaker in their eyes. “Yeah,” he cleared his throat again. “Yeah, all good...was there a reason you called?” 

There was another pensive silence before Eddie sighed. “I was wondering when you were coming over. Christopher’s just about to lose his mind, he’s very excited to show you the drawing he made today...won’t even show me until you get here. I know you said you had an engagement before our movie night, but we were wondering if you’d be free earlier?”

 _Shit_. Buck had totally forgotten about the movie night he had set with the Diaz boys. “Um…” Buck trailed off, hearing his voice thicken as it became harder to keep the tears at bay. “I-yeah. I’ll be over-” Buck cleared his throat as his voice cracked, “I’ll be over in twenty.” 

“Are you alright, Evan,” Eddie asked quietly.

Buck felt his body shudder slightly at the emotions he heard in Eddie’s voice. Not trusting his voice, Buck hummed an affirmative before hanging up the phone. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He was fine, he shouldn’t be crying over spilled milk. He was fine. His parents hadn’t changed and he _knew_ they wouldn’t have. It shouldn’t hurt this much. 

Looking only at Maddie, Buck spoke. “I’m going to go. I’m sorry I ruined the get together.”

“Buck,” she looked like she wanted to reach out, but Buck just shook his head. 

“See you, Chim.” And Buck was out the door before anyone could react.

* * *

The twenty minute drive to Eddie’s seemed to take forever and not long enough at the same time. Buck wanted to get himself together before Eddie and Chris saw him. Recently, Eddie and Buck had been experimenting with things. They were new. It seemed like they’d been together longer than a few weeks, but the whole cuddling, prolonged hugs, and kissing was new territory. He didn’t want to mess that up by showing up looking and acting like a mess. He also didn’t want to worry Christopher. 

Buck’s hands clenched on the steering wheel in front of him as he took shuddering breaths. He refused to break down in front of his two favorite people. He fucking refused. He may be a mess, but he _was not_ going to be a mess in front of the man he loved and the kid he adored.

A knock on his window startled Buck. Buck took a second to breathe before putting a smile on his face and looking towards Eddie who was looking at him in concern. He opened the door, getting out and giving Eddie a hug, taking extra time to bury his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck. He drew strength from the man and tried to keep a lid on his emotions. He wasn’t going to break down in the middle of Eddie’s yard where just anyone could see.

“Cariño, are you alright? You sounded weird on the phone and you usually just come in once you get here.”

It took everything in Buck not to start crying then and there. Buck just shook his head and burrowed deeper into Eddie. He just wanted comfort. He _needed_ Eddie’s comfort because he at least knew the man cared about him in ways that others didn’t. “Okay, how about we go see Chris, get him to show us that picture he drew, and then we’ll watch movies and eat junk food that you rib me about afterwards...then we can have a beer after Chris goes to bed?”

“Yeah,” Buck whispered.

* * *

It was natural for Buck to clean up in the living room while Eddie put Christopher to bed. Buck could do it without a thought, and that’s exactly what he did. He took the empty pizza boxes and put them in the recycling bin. He took the used plates and cups and began to wash them in the sink. 

By the time Eddie was coming into the kitchen, Buck had two beers opened, handing one silently to Eddie. He knew Eddie was going to ask questions, but he wasn’t sure how to answer them...or if he wanted to. “I know something’s been eating you all night,” he finally broke the silence.

Buck nodded, taking a long drag of his beer. Clearing his throat, he decided to bite the bullet, “my parents are in town. It’s a whole...it’s a whole thing and, well, they don’t….they don’t really approve of me or what I do.”

Buck chose to ignore the way his voice faltered as he spoke about his parents. He refused to acknowledge the lump that formed in his throat. Talking about the way his parents treated him mostly to his parents and in front of others he considers family is one thing...talking about the way his parents treated him and think of him to the love of his life in the quiet of his house is another thing entirely. “You know my parents didn’t approve of me after Shannon left, you know you can talk to me.”

Buck nodded quickly. “I do, I do know that. It’s just..it’s-it’s a lot. I don’t mean to downplay your struggles with your parents, you know I’d never do that, but Phillip and Margaret Buckley are something else and I just don’t want to drag you into anything. They should be gone in a few days anyway...it’s nothing. We can forget about it,” Buck had looked away from Eddie as he spoke. He couldn’t allow Eddie to see just how much his parents hurt him. It wasn’t right to bring those memories up for Eddie. 

“If it bothers you this much, you should talk about it...if not with me then with your therapist...Buck, it’s not good to keep this shit in, and you know it. I don’t want to make you uncomfortab-”

“You’re not,” Buck was quick to reassure, his head snapping up to look at Eddie. “I-you never do. It’s just...I don’t want to throw all my problems on you. You have your own stuff to deal with, I just need to suck it up. It’s fine.”

Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Buck...Evan, I may have my own stuff to deal with, but I will always be here to talk about _your_ problems too. That’s how a healthy relationship works.”

Buck looked down again, feeling the tears he fought so hard to keep at bay break through. “I just,” his shoulders shook as a cry erupted from his body, “I don’t want to be-be exhausting be-because all my life I’ve been exhausting! I’ve-I’ve never been good enough, nothing,” Buck sobbed full out, “ **nothing I ever did was good enough** for them and I don’t want to-to add you to the list of people I’m not-I’m not good enough for!”

Beer bottle forgotten on the counter, Eddie pulled Buck into his arms, wrapping Buck tightly in his embrace. “I know we’ve talked about this, but I’ll say it again. I never meant you were exhausting. I should have never said that. The feelings I had at the time, the constant trying to keep those emotions in check was exhausting, _not you_. On top of that, you are more than enough for me, for Christopher. We love you, Evan, so much. As for how your parents treated you, that’s some bullshit. You are better than enough, everything you did was at 100% because there’s no way you can halfass anything, you’re too caring for that.”

Buck sunk lower into Eddie’s grip, letting himself cry. “M-Maddie-Maddie was the-the golden girl, they-they worshipped her. They always-they always compared me to her and-and asked me why I couldn’t be like her,” he sobbed. “I just-I wanted to find my own way, Eds. I’m proud-I’m proud of what I’ve become but they don’t give a shit,” Buck felt himself lose his control once again, needing Eddie for support. 

“Their opinions don’t matter, Amor. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.”

The only sounds in the room were Buck’s sniffles and Eddie’s soft words of love for a few minutes. Once Buck had calmed down some, he pulled back, wiping at his eyes. Not meeting Eddie’s eyes, he spoke quietly, “I told my parents to get the fuck out of my life if they couldn’t support me...I-I broadcasted my problems with my parents in front of Maddie, Chim, and Albert. Eddie I can’t-I don’t-”

Eddie shushed him, pulling him back in. He placed his forehead on Buck’s. “While that’s nothing to worry about, let’s worry about it all tomorrow. You need rest.”

Buck nodded slightly. “I love you too, by the way."

Eddie chuckled quietly. He placed a gentle kiss on Buck’s lips. “I know,” he whispered.


	2. Part of the Promo I as talking about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A video was requested so people from other countries know what I was talking about. This is just the excerpt with Buck shouting that he was never good enough.

[https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_qlpg29fevR1xloenb](https://anakinshayden.tumblr.com/post/638142231998595072/i-needed-just-this-scene-on-my-blog-because-of)

(I'm not sure if this will work, please let me know so maybe I can figure out another way.)


End file.
